Crimson straw
by mtm
Summary: When the burden becomes too heavy to bear. Spoilers for the ending of 4x20 "Something's rotten in Redmund".
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This takes off directly after the final scene in "Something's rotten in Redmund". I'm delving into my usual angst, however I'm undecided whether to follow my muse into the dark or if I should struggle and try to infuse some light into the fic. So be warned this might turn dark.

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><p>Lisbon watched Jane walk away. To a casual observer there was nothing unusual about his demeanor, but for Lisbon's finely tuned senses his whole being radiated pain; his slightly hunched shoulders, his barely tilted head and the tightly coiled muscles in his back.<p>

Jane was clearly headed to his room in the attic and by the looks of it, wanted to get there sooner rather than later. As Lisbon tracked his progress with her eyes, he reached the bottom of the stairs and practically leaped up them in his haste to leave the room filled with chatter and pictures of a newborn. Only Lisbon saw him leave.

Cho and Van Pelt were bickering whether newborns could be called ugly and barely acknowledged Lisbon leaving the table. She walked slowly towards the stairs, not quite sure what her feet seemed to be doing on their own accord. She didn't know what she could say to make Jane's pain any less, but she had to try something. He was her friend and she would do anything for the few friends she had and it severely pained her to see the consultant in pain.

He had been fraying around the edges for some time now and to add Rigby's newborn baby to the mix might be the proverbial last straw that broke the man's back. She was worried for him already and now she was getting seriously concerned.

As she approached the closed door to the attic, her heart constricted in a worry. She came to a stop and stared at the door and life of pain and sorrow that it contained. She lifted her hand, knocked once and quietly slid the door open and slipped inside, letting it close behind her.

The room was dark and quiet except for the muffled sobs. Lisbon's eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness and in the faint light of the street lamps, she finally could see Jane. He was standing facing the large window, head bowed, his hands clenched into fists, his shoulders shaking.

He must have been aware of her presence, but he didn't acknowledge it. But then he didn't tell her to go away either. It was always difficult with Jane as he kept himself so closed and didn't let anybody see more than glimpses of him, that when he did let you witness his true nature, you felt slightly off balance. And privileged. Or at least Lisbon did.

She stood still, observing, not quite sure what to do as there was no logic that she could lean on. She sighed and braced herself as she needed to play this by ear and with Jane it was always difficult as you never knew where you ended up with.

Lisbon slowly walked up to Jane, coming to a standstill behind him, slightly to the left enabling her to study his profile in the shadows.

Her aching heart leaped up to her throat at the sight of the tears on Jane's face as he valiantly tried to stifle the sobs that were wrenched free from his throat.

Lisbon shuffled a little bit closer, until she could feel the heat radiating from Jane and slowly reached for his left hand while leaning against his arm. After some gentle stroking and tugging, his fist relaxed and Lisbon was able to twine her fingers with his.

She breathed in relief as at least Jane allowed her presence and whatever little relief it would bring him. She leaned her head against Jane's shoulder and held his hand, while he was immersed in his own, private hell, weeping now openly.

XXX

When Jane saw the picture of the newborn baby boy, he didn't expect his heart to shatter into pieces. He thought that the pain had diminished by now, but obviously he shouldn't have assumed anything.

He knew that Lisbon's eyes were on him and that his hasty withdrawal would result in her coming after him, but it didn't bother him. In his pain, he didn't even notice or stop to dissect the fact that he was perfectly fine for Lisbon to see him and his pain. He just needed to leave the room immediately.

Without quite knowing how he managed it, he found himself standing in front of the large window in his attic room. It was dark and quiet, but the only thing he could see and hear were his own memories of his daughter being born and being handed to him. The heart swelling love and protectiveness that he had felt when he looked at her sleeping face and the heart wrenching pain, when he couldn't protect his sweet girl, when he was holding her in his arms, her eyes closed as in deep sleep but this time her blood staining her clothes in her death.

He let the tears flow freely as there was no way he could have stopped them now. He tried to keep the sobs tightly inside him out of years of practice, but the pain was too much and he wept openly.

He was half aware of another presence in the room, but his nose told him it was Lisbon and that seemed to pacify his brain and his mind slipped back into the red haze of pain.

It was only brought back when he felt Lisbon trying to gently tug his fist open so that she could hold his hand and instinctively he did what she wanted. When he felt her leaning against his arm and lowering her head against his shoulder, his final barriers crumbled and the grief and the pain that had festered for years, came rushing out. He could only hold on to Lisbon, when he was taken under, trusting her to anchor him as he became lost.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thank you for all the reviews, especially MentalistLover and idonthaveaname as I can't directly respond to you. I always find it humbling that there are people out there who actually enjoy what I come up with.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

The darkness deepened and the sounds drifted away. Time flowed along its determined path and the evening turned to night.

And still Lisbon stood beside Jane, holding his hand, leaning against his shoulder in her attempt to provide some degree of comfort. Her legs were getting tired of standing still for such a long time, but she sternly told herself to ignore the physical discomfort.

Jane had ran out of tears some time ago, but he was still breathing raggedly and was still coiled tightly, including his hold on Lisbon's hand. She was going to have bruises tomorrow, her mind absently registered.

A faint tremor finally registered in Lisbon's senses as Jane's hand started trembling. Or more correctly speaking, the whole man was increasingly trembling. Lisbon lifted her head from Jane's shoulder and leaned forward to peer into his face.

Jane's eyes were tightly screwed shut and he was shaking his head slightly from side to side as he mumbled something under his breath. Lisbon strained to hear what he was saying and ended up on her tiptoes in an effort to get as close as possible.

"There's no point", Jane repeated over and over.

Lisbon's alert level went up immediately and her worry came back in full force. So far she had thought that Jane had done remarkably well, considering circumstances, but maybe he hadn't.

"Jane", Lisbon whispered, reluctant to break the silence in the room.

Few beats after hearing her voice, all the energy seemed to go out of him. He fell silent and deflated physically until Lisbon was staggering under his weight in trying to support him.

She frantically looked around trying to find a place to lower him down and ended up directing, or rather half carrying, him to his bed. Jane meekly followed allowing her to guide him without seemingly being aware what was happening. His eyes were still closed, but he had stopped talking.

Lisbon slipped from under Jane's arm and settled him more comfortably on the bed, however when she tried to disengage her hand from his, he wouldn't let go.

The sight of him sitting hunched on the bed, eyes tightly closed, but the tears still very much in evidence on his face, holding tightly onto her hand, twisted painfully her heart and finally she let go of the professional boundaries that she had set up in place so long ago. The boundaries, which had been eroded by this brilliant, stubborn, infuriating, lonely man that she had grown to call a friend.

Lisbon was already standing close to Jane, in an awkward position considering that her right hand was still holding his left hand. She moved to stand between his legs and lifted her left hand to gently brush her thumb along his cheek, just under his right eye, her hand then travelling up to his curls, which she gently brushed away from his face.

Jane was still hunched, still kept his eyes closed, but Lisbon knew him well enough to know that she had his attention at least on some level even if he wasn't completely conscious of it.

She moved her hand down to his shoulder, slid it across his back pulling him to her gently, but insistently and finally Jane seemed to realize what she wanted him to do and let go of her hand, instead circling his arms around her waist as his face came to rest on Lisbon's shoulder while she held him tightly in her arms.

She rested her cheek against his soft curls and with one hand stroked the back of his head while her other arm was draped across his shoulder. She could feel Jane still trembling under her hands, but to her immense relief the man was relaxing bit by bit until his breathing slowed down and trembling slowly eased off.

Lisbon carried on with her gentle ministrations and felt slightly guilty as she couldn't deny the pleasure that being allowed this close to Jane gave her. This was one of the reasons why she had tried to avoid physical contact with Jane, which had been easy as the man wasn't that keen on it either, as she knew that her empathy would be ignited and she couldn't afford to do that.

But she couldn't let Jane suffer either so she considered it a fair trade. She was an expert in compartmentalizing, so there was no reason why she couldn't close herself off again after she got Jane back on his feet. She could practically hear the laugh a part of her mind gave off at that thought, but she firmly pushed all that aside.

This was here and now. She had taken this path knowing that she would do anything in her power to comfort and help Jane and if giving the man a hug would do the trick, then that was what she was going to do.

XXX

Jane was reliving the most cherished moments of his life. The first time he heard that he was going to be a father. The growing belly of his wife and the furious kicks the baby gave when he stroked her belly. The birth of his daughter. The first time she was handed over to him, wrapped in a blanket, some blood clinging onto her hair, her eyes curious, but soon falling shut as he kept gently rocking her.

Then all of the sudden feeling the dread and horror and pain swelling inside him and next when he looked down, he was still cradling his daughter. But now she was older with golden curls, which were covered in blood welling up from her cut throat, spreading all over his hands as he gazed down at her lifeless eyes.

And the loop began again.

He was lost in his pain and the nightmare. He kept seeing different variations, but it always ended up him holding his dead daughter. He was vaguely aware of himself repeating over and over again the same phrase: "There's no point".

The pain was overwhelming, the nightmare overbearing, there was no point in trying to escape this hell that was his doing. Why had he ever even thought that he would deserve to leave all this behind?

And then he heard a familiar voice. He didn't know what it was saying, but the voice reminded him of safe haven. He tried to ignore it, but it was drawing him in and he didn't have the energy to fight.

Jane could feel the fatigue his body was radiating, and finally stumbled, but instead of falling on his face on the floor, somebody caught him.

"Lisbon", his weary mind whispered and he felt himself transferring all his control and trust to her and he did what she wanted. Until the moment when she wanted him to let go of her hand.

The feel of Lisbon's warm hand was the only thing that kept him from completely losing his mind and he panicked and held on tighter. When he felt Lisbon stepping closer and felt her hand on his face, he almost shattered at the feeling.

When he realized what she wanted, he let go of her hand and tightly wound his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder while she continued stroking his head.

He held on for his life as he felt himself already fracturing, shattering and some of the pieces drifting away. Lisbon was his lifeline and even though he wanted to just let himself go, to let the pain die with him, a part of him was clinging to Lisbon and her compassion and being afraid that she would let him drown.

XXX

Finally Jane stilled under her hands and his breathing was even, although he didn't show any signs of letting her go. Her legs were screaming by now and she couldn't ignore them anymore.

"Jane", Lisbon said quietly.

He didn't respond.

Lisbon gently lifted his face towards her own and found his eyes still tightly closed.

"Jane, please, look at me", Lisbon gently begged.

Jane slowly opened his eyes, the brilliant blue dull and rimmed in red, but he did seemed to be aware of her.

"I want you to lie down on the bed", Lisbon told him.

"I'm going to move the chair closer so that I can stay with you", she reassured him as she could see the rising panic start to move into his eyes.

To her relief, he gave her a flippant answer, which sounded vaguely like the old Jane.

"There is always room here", he whispered as he lied down while Lisbon helped him.

Lisbon blushed and busied herself with removing Jane's shoes and finding a blanket to cover him with and all the time she could feel his eyes on her. Afraid that she would stray far or that she would leave him.

"Hush", Lisbon gently told him and reached for the chair, but stopped in mid-motion.

Her legs, not to mention her back, were killing her and she was exhausted. If she was lying down next to Jane, at least she could make sure that he didn't sneak off. She was still very worried about him and knew that she would wake up if he tried to leave as she was a very light sleeper.

She turned around facing Jane and said, "Okay" and before she bent down to remove her own shoes she saw the glimpse of surprise and pleasure the grazed Jane's features.

"No funny business", she tried to sternly whisper to him as she climbed up on the bed in an echo of herself when he had led her to a dance at the high school reunion that felt like years ago.

Jane's eyes were grateful for her attempt of levity when he shuffled tiredly to give her space.

They settled on their sides and Lisbon pulled the blanket over both of them. Even with Jane physically and emotionally exhausted, he was still trying to be the gentleman and scooted further back in an effort to give Lisbon as much space as possible.

Lisbon scooted closer to Jane, reached for his left arm and draped it over herself and twined her fingers with him. She told herself that it was to make sure that she would become aware if Jane decided to leave in the middle of the night.

Jane hesitated a few moments and then seemed to give in and he leaned against Lisbon's back and rested his forehead against the top of her head.

"Thank you", he quietly murmured in a rough voice.

Lisbon tightened her grip on his hand in response and settled more comfortably against him.

Soon both of them drifted off to sleep and the dark room was once again given over to silence, broken only by the soft breathing of two people.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thank you again for reviews, especially Kourion and idonthaveaname who I cannot respond to directly. I hope you will enjoy the next installment!

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

Jane felt content.

He was lying in bed with his lovely wife, feeling deliciously lazy and heavy. The sun was streaming through the windows and it was very quiet. For some reason he wasn't sure what day it was, but it must have been a weekend for both of them to still be in bed at this time of the morning and not to have their daughter to wake them up. On weekends the babysitter came in the morning to give them some time to themselves and she must have taken Charlotte out today.

The thought of his daughter twisted painfully in the back of his head, but he soon forgot that as he gazed down at his wife, who was on her side facing him, fully asleep.

As he was gently stroking her golden curls, they slowly straightened and darkened until her hair was raven, which for some reason didn't alarm him the least. He felt a surge of affection and love and traced her facial features with his finger, enjoying the feeling of soft skin underneath his hand.

His now raven haired wife shifted in her sleep and slowly woke up to gaze at him with her brilliant green eyes that were utterly adorable in their confusion. Jane felt himself smiling at the sleepy woman and carried on gently stroking her face, tracing the pattern of freckles on her nose and cheeks.

The green eyes widened and he felt her stilling his hand with her tiny palm and when he bent down to kiss her, her voice finally stopped him.

"Jane?" Lisbon's voice, rough from sleep queried hesitantly and everything came pouring back, the pain and loss flooding his thoughts until he could only hold onto the feeling of Lisbon's hand. He concentrated on that feeling and tried to get his breathing under control.

Slowly he managed to push everything back to the box in his mind where he kept the most painful memories and opened his eyes to find Lisbon still lying next to him, her eyes worried and full of compassion.

He gave her a wobbly smile and whispered, "Good morning Lisbon."

XXX

Lisbon was aroused from her sleep of exhaustion by gentle fingers stroking her hair and face.

"Hmm, this is nice," she idly thought to herself even though worry was stirring somewhere close by.

She felt safe although the feeling of someone in her bed wasn't a common one and that feeling itself made her open her eyes in confusion.

Her gaze was met with a gently smiling Jane, stroking her cheek and bending down in a clear intention of kissing her.

She stopped his hand on her cheek and hesitantly and slowly as not to startle him asked, "Jane?"

The minute he heard her voice, it all seemed to come back to him and even with his eyes closed, it was clear to Lisbon that he was struggling to contain all the memories and the resulting pain.

She didn't dare to move and kept holding his hand against her cheek and when he opened his eyes again and whispered his good morning to her, she could breathe again and lowered their hands in between them, but still kept holding his hand. Jane didn't seem to mind.

He was looking at her with openness that she had only seen glimpses of. He quietly said, "I was dreaming of my wife."

A sharp stab went through Lisbon's heart and she hurried to cover her flinch although she knew that Jane must have seen it.

"She transformed into you and I was still as happy and content," he continued like he was talking to himself, wonder in his voice.

Lisbon felt something stirring in her chest. She shouldn't let it, but her heart had always been hopelessly romantic if she let it and now it started fluttering in her chest. Most likely causing heart attack than anything else, her rational mind drily commented.

Jane startled as in coming out of a dream and looked down at her.

"I'm sorry. That must make you feel uncomfortable," he started saying and seemed to only now realize that they were still holding hands and starting withdrawing from Lisbon.

"Jane. Don't," Lisbon said as she gripped his hand more strongly causing him to freeze and stare at her.

There was knocking on the door and Cho's voice came through, "Boss, are you there? We have a case."

XXX

When Lisbon didn't let him go, he stared at her in wonder, his emotions in a frightened flurry. He didn't want to inspect his feeling for her, especially after yesterday had left him so raw, but the look in her eyes told him to shut up and let her do the talking. "As usual," his mind helpfully provided.

But whatever it was that she wanted to say was disrupted by Cho's voice outside the door.

It clearly startled Lisbon and she glared at the door in annoyance, but shouted back, "Give me a minute, Cho."

She turned back towards Jane and to his surprise she didn't look embarrassed. To add to the shock, she lifted her hand and stroked his cheek lightly and said, "I'm here for you, whatever you need."

Then she hopped out of bed trying to detangle her hair and huffed in annoyance at her wrinkled shirt. She found her shoes and shrugged her coat on, while Jane was staring at her in wild amazement.

Lisbon glanced at him and a hint of colour rose to her cheeks, "You can close your mouth now, Jane," she tried for a stern tone and failed, "You are my friend, I care about you and if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, I will do it," she continued more gently.

And added in her normal brisk voice, "Get used to it," as she walked out of the attic room leaving Jane lying on the bed, feeling like he still must be dreaming.

"Are you coming?" her voice floated in from the corridor outside, which finally made him to snap out his thoughts, or rather the lack of any coherent thoughts, and he quickly got up and started making himself presentable. He presumed that Lisbon was doing the same thing in her office, where she kept some toiletries and spare clothing.

His mind was a battlefield of conflicting emotions, fleeting around, spiced with random thoughts. Yesterday had been bad and his barriers were broken and then Lisbon went and behaved out of normal, which all added up to a very confused Patrick Jane.

He could still feel the pain and grief radiating and burning, but it was layered with soothing feeling of Lisbon and her subtle smell still lingering in his nose. However, they had a case, which hopefully would occupy his mind and give him time to recover.

XXX

When Lisbon entered her office, Cho was close behind.

She gave him a stern look, which didn't seem to have any effect on the agent and said, "Not a word."

Cho shrugged and said, "I don't know what you are talking about boss," and then gave a hint of a smile, to which Lisbon could do nothing but smile back.

"Give me a minute to freshen up," she said and heard Cho grunt in response as he closed the door and headed towards the kitchenette.

"Hopefully he's making coffee," Lisbon thought in mild despair as she wasn't good with mornings.

When she reached for a new shirt, she noticed her hands shaking. She clasped them together close to her chest and took a deep breath.

She must have been out of her mind saying all those things to Jane, who was bound to tease her mercilessly when he had time to sort out his head, which she didn't doubt for a second.

This was the first time that he had broken down completely since she had known him, but he was resilient and humour was one of his coping mechanisms and once he had time to build up his barriers he would be back to his normal self, while she had almost given everything away.

Considering this was Jane, she was pretty sure that once he had enough time to dissect their conversation, he would know exactly what she had meant. Even though she herself wasn't quite clear yet what she had actually meant.

She shook her head. The main thing was that he seemed better, so her presence had done some good and now they had a case, which demanded her attention. She would still keep a close eye on Jane to see if he needed her but for now she was ready to face the world of crime.

XXX

She came out of the office and Cho shoved a mug of coffee onto her hands. She nodded her thanks and took a sip of the hot liquid.

"What do we have?" she asked and Cho and Van Pelt started briefing her.

She saw from the corner of her eye that Jane was coming down the stairs and walking into the room.

He was immaculate as usual, but his face looked drawn and his eyes even more sorrowful than was normal for him.

Cho nodded at him and Van Pelt gave her chirpy, "Good morning Jane!", to which Lisbon was grateful as the other two were treating him exactly as they would otherwise even though they must have an idea how badly hurt he had been yesterday.

Jane nodded at them in turn and said, "Good morning. Did I miss anything?"

They finished the briefing and Cho and Van Pelt left for the crime scene. Lisbon would follow with Jane, but first she wanted a refill of coffee to fully regain her faculties.

Jane followed her into the kitchenette and while she busied herself with her coffee, he was making his customary cup of tea. Lisbon could feel his eyes on her though, but stubbornly ignored it.

To her surprise, Jane stepped closer while holding his tea and settled his hand on her upper arm. He looked her directly in the eyes leaving himself open and vulnerable under Lisbon's startled gaze.

"Thank you," he quietly said.

Then he withdrew his hand and grinned at her in his usual infuriating way although his eyes were still sad and said, "Shall we get going then before the body decides to grow tired of waiting for the mighty CBI and rot away?"

Lisbon gave him a genuine smile, and gestured him to lead the way.

Maybe he was going to be okay.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Once again I'm grateful for all the reviews, you guys are great. Thank you also MeltedChocoButton, who I couldn't respond directly to. And whose name made me crave for chocolate. Not good! :)

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

Lisbon wearily sat down behind her desk, glaring at the pile of papers in front of her.

The past few days have gone quickly while they had been solving the murder of an heiress, which had been fairly easy case to put together in the end. Lisbon was relieved that it hadn't been too complicated as Rigsby was only due to come back tomorrow and Jane had still been recovering from the emotional breakdown so her team hadn't been at its full capacity.

Thinking of Jane made Lisbon stop in her tracks and a small frown developed in between her eyebrows. He had been subdued, not even insulting any of the witnesses involved in the case, but he had seemed to be coping well otherwise. There had been the odd sorrowful and thoughtful look when he hadn't noticed her looking, which in itself said something about his state of mind as he never missed anything. However, in general he had seemed his usual self.

He was clearly not sleeping well, even worse than usual if his tired eyes and the black circles around his eyes were anything to go by, but his suits were clean and unwrinkled, his face clean shaven and his curls all in their place.

Lisbon hadn't had time to check on him as the case had taken all her attention as she had tried to navigate in the murky waters of politics and big businesses, but Jane had sat on his couch as usual and had made his tea in the kitchenette as was his habit. She thought that she had seen him looking at her few times and whenever she caught his eyes, they had been sad, but also open and honest. Lisbon was still trying to get used to the idea that Patrick Jane had finally let her in and the thought was at the same time terrifying and exhilarating.

A pain stabbed at her lower back waking her up from her daydream. She stared at the paper in her hand, frowned and huffed in irritation and continued on her report putting all her thoughts of Jane out of her head.

She didn't see Jane standing in the shadows outside her office, watching her.

XXX

Jane had tagged along and thrown theories absentmindedly at Lisbon, who had quickly seen the bigger picture and figured out who the murderer was. When he saw her realization, he felt proud of her as she followed his thoughts so quickly and understood him better and better every day.

He had tried to keep himself busy with the case, but had been sidetracked by his response to Lisbon. After their shared night, his body seemed to have been re-tuned to Lisbon. Her smell calmed him down, the sight of her raven hair in the sun captivated him and most of all, he was craving her touch.

He hadn't thought that he would ever want anyone touching him again. He had never been very comfortable with physical touch, but since his wife's death and the time spent in the mental hospital where touch normally meant restraints and pain, he had shied away from it.

Lisbon had always respected that as she had intuitively known that he didn't enjoy physical closeness. But on that night, her touch had been his anchor, the only thing that had kept his mind from completely shattering.

She had kept it light and gentle, but persistent and it had eased his pain so much. It had made him remember how good it could feel and he was still reeling from the revelation. Lisbon most likely didn't realize how much she had done for him as she never did, when she did something amazing for other people.

Jane was leaning against the wall in the shadows and watching Lisbon in her office. There was nobody else left at this late hour and the table lamp on her desk was the only source of light, casting a soft glow on her features.

Jane was sipping his tea as he marveled at the beauty of the woman. A woman who seemingly cared for him despite knowing him well and knowing what he was capable of.

He was filled with tenderness towards Lisbon, but at the same time a worry was nagging in the back of his head telling him to back off.

So far Red John had left the CBI team alone, even though Jane didn't for a second think that he wasn't aware how close he had grown to Lisbon. He was also certain that Red John was aware how Lisbon had finally crossed professional boundaries when she had comforted him and it made him afraid for her. He didn't know why Red John had never attacked the team as they were the closest to a family that he had, and it always kept him on his toes.

He was supposed to be cold hearted, having only one goal in life; finding and killing Red John, and now he had grown to care about the feisty, by the book agent. If that was interfering with Red John's cat and mouse games, Jane knew that he wouldn't take it kindly.

He yearned to touch Lisbon, craved her tenderness, and needed her gentleness; he needed to feel again as safe, content and happy as he had been when she had shared his bed. And at the same time, he was afraid. Afraid that letting his needs dictate his behavior would end up in the death of this amazing woman.

For the first time in a long, long time he didn't know what to do.

So he stood in the dark and watched.

XXX

Lisbon signed the last paper and sighed tiredly. She dropped the form on top of the pile already on her desk, put down the pen and stretched her back. From the corner of her eye, she saw movement and whipped her head around to see who it was as she didn't think anybody would still be around.

She saw the back of a suit and a mop of golden curls. Jane.

He was silently heading back to the attic and probably didn't realize that she had seen him. But why would he be standing in the dark and watching her?

She was so tired that she couldn't think straight, and she really wanted to go to her own bed, but she finally had a moment to check on Jane so she rose from the chair and slowly made her way to the attic.

Once again she stood in front of the door and knocked.

Jane's voice floated out this time, "Come in Lisbon."

She stepped in and was relieved to see Jane sitting on his bed, a book in his hand. He had shed his jacket and vest and had rolled his sleeves up. Lisbon's breath got stuck in her throat as she hadn't often seen him this casual. And oh boy, it suited him.

Lisbon tried to grab the end of her thoughts that were quickly unraveling at the sight of the man and cleared her throat before asking "Jane, how are you holding up?"

Jane shrugged and looked down. Lisbon took couple of steps closer until she was standing in front of him.

"I'm okay," he stated and then continued, "but I have a lot to think about," and looked up at Lisbon. He didn't seem to be uncomfortable by her closeness and once again his face was open and honest, taking Lisbon's breath away.

Lisbon wasn't aware what her hand was doing until she saw it brushing a curl of Jane's hair gently from his forehead. He stilled, but didn't respond any other way.

Lisbon let her hand drop and told him gently, "Please, try to get some sleep. I will see you again tomorrow."

Jane whispered in a soft voice, "Good night Lisbon," when she turned around and left the room.

She walked down the stairs and headed to the lift to get to her car and her mind was in a whirlwind. Why had she touched him? She hadn't consciously planned to, but her hand seemed to have a plan of action that it hadn't shared with her. Not that she hadn't enjoyed it, but somehow she was feeling like she was taking advantage of him while he was vulnerable and she would never want to do that.

She was so tired that she just needed sleep. Maybe tomorrow everything would be back to normal.

XXX

When Jane had turned and gone back to his attic, he knew that Lisbon had seen something and expected her to come to investigate.

He walked into his room, took off his jacket and vest and rolled his sleeves up in his nightly ritual of getting ready for the night. He seldom slept more than few hours so there was no point in changing into anything more comfortable. He picked up a book that he had been reading and settled down to wait for Lisbon.

When her knock came, he invited her in. As she stepped into the light, he noticed how terribly tired she looked but how she still radiated concern for him. And then he noticed how her cheeks coloured when she noticed his more relaxed attire and he was filled with fondness for her, once again.

When she stepped closer and softly touched his hair, a barely there touch, he reveled in the feeling and had to fight not to close his eyes. When she left, he didn't try to keep her as she clearly needed her rest, but wished her good night. He would indeed see her tomorrow and maybe it would become clearer what he should do.

But for now, he settled down with his book for another lonely night, trying to keep the monsters at bay.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Thank you for all the story subscriptions, alerts and reviews!

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

The morning was bright and sunny when Lisbon got out of her car at CBI parking lot. She was clutching her customary coffee and briskly walked into the building. She had slept well, the exhaustion finally catching up to her and now she felt ready to face the world again.

She was the first one in the bullpen as usual and she strolled into her office to read her email and catch up with paperwork until the rest of the team arrived or they were informed of a case.

Soon Cho walked in, closely followed by Van Pelt. They settled on their desks and Lisbon went out to see what tasks they had for the day as no new cases had turned up overnight. Both of them had more than enough paperwork to do, which Cho accepted stoically and Van Pelt with sighing softly.

"I know it's not exciting, but it needs to be done," Lisbon said, "I'm sure a new case comes along soon enough, but now we have to catch up with paperwork."

Jane chose that moment to walk in with a tea cup in his hand and settled on his couch. He still looked tired, but otherwise seemed to be his chirpy self.

"Good morning Jane," Lisbon said to him as he put his cup on the floor and lied down, "I'll take you didn't get enough sleep last night," she continued, a hint of worry creeping into her voice.

Jane looked up to her from the couch and smiled, "Morning Lisbon," he responded.

"While there is nothing interesting going on, I might as well relax," he continued as he settled onto the couch.

Lisbon was standing next to the couch with her hands on her hips glaring down, but she couldn't really be angry at him. Jane opened one of his eyes to peek at her and said in a quiet voice that reached only her ears, "I'm fine, Lisbon."

Lisbon relaxed and nodded.

"If you need something, please let me know," she said as quietly to him before turning away and retreating into her office.

Jane watched her go before closing his eyes and descending into a light doze.

XXX

Half an hour later Rigsby stepped into the bullpen carrying his newborn son, Sarah trailing behind him.

"Rigsby!" exclaimed Van Pelt and got up to hug him awkwardly due to the baby and looked at the infant with a smile on her face.

Cho also got up and congratulated both Rigsby and Sarah. Van Pelt was given the baby to hold while she and Sarah cooed over him and Cho and Rigsby stood to one side to let the women fuss over the baby while they looked generally uncomfortable.

Lisbon came out of her office to see what the commotion was about.

"Boss! I thought that I would bring Benjamin over. I hope it is okay. I mean…" Rigsby started explaining flustered.

Lisbon waved her hand at him.

"It's fine. Congratulations, both of you," she said to a beaming Sarah and a relieved looking Rigsby.

She got closer to Van Pelt who was holding the baby, dressed all in blue and looking like he was about to cry. Van Pelt seemed to notice this and quickly gave the baby to Lisbon to hold, who could only grab the baby as Van Pelt backed off.

"Sorry boss. I'm not good with crying babies," she said as she lifted her hands up while looking scared.

Lisbon looked down at the round face of the baby and gently rocked him and softly spoke to him.

"Hey there. It's okay little one, there is no need to cry," she calmly whispered to the baby, who concentrated on her face and blinked. Then his eyes started drooping as Lisbon continued to rock him back and forth, eventually falling asleep.

Lisbon smiled softly at him and enjoyed the feel of a baby in her arms. She would never admit it anyone, but she loved holding babies and they always seemed to respond well to her.

Lisbon became aware that Jane was standing behind her. He settled one hand on her shoulder as to support himself and looked at the baby sleeping in Lisbon's arms.

"He is gorgeous," he said softly as he looked at the baby.

Lisbon lifted her head to look at him standing at her shoulder and once again she was struck speechless by his expression. He clearly tried to control himself and probably to anyone else than her he looked like his usual self; smiling, being happy for new parents, and that's how Rigsby and Sarah reacted as they beamed at him.

Lisbon saw sorrow, regret and pain, but also genuine happiness. He would remember how it felt to become a parent and he was selfless enough to join in their happiness.

They stayed standing like that until the baby started fussing in his sleep.

"Oh, I think he is getting hungry," Lisbon commented as she started handing the baby back to Sarah.

"I think it's time for me to go back home and feed him. I think he has his father's appetite," Sarah commented smiling as she took the baby back. Rigsby blushed and Cho snorted, while Van Pelt and Lisbon openly laughed.

"It was nice of you to bring him in. Take care," Lisbon told Sarah politely as she was leaving. Inside her a wave of worry was growing as this was too soon after Jane's breakdown. She wasn't sure how he would cope. She looked back at him as Rigsby escorted Sarah back to the lifts.

Jane had gone back to his couch and was lying down again, but when Lisbon walked closer, she could see the tightness around his eyes and the barely perceptible tremor of his hands. She walked past him to her office, grabbed a pile of papers that she had been working on and returned to the couch.

"Move over," she told him and as startled Jane sat up, she sat down next to him. She started going through the papers, writing here and there as Jane looked at her with surprise, which quickly turned into gratitude. He settled back against the couch and closed his eyes and tried to doze off as Lisbon continued with the work without looking at him.

Lisbon didn't look up at Cho or Van Pelt, who didn't look at their direction either.

XXX

Jane was dozing when he heard Rigsby coming in and he opened his eyes to see the baby being passed over to Van Pelt. He sat up, observing quietly until he saw Lisbon coming out of her office and having the baby shoved at her.

The sight of her holding a baby and softly calming him down drew him up. He walked slowly to stand behind Lisbon and the sight of the baby allowed the grief to escape his constraints and he had to hold onto Lisbon's shoulder to keep his balance.

He looked at the sleeping baby as he held onto Lisbon, trying to ground himself.

"He is gorgeous," he said and looked at the beaming parents with bitter sweet memories of himself in the same position.

He was aware of Lisbon looking at him, but he was remembering how he had carried his newborn daughter around as a proud, overwhelmed father. He remembered the awe and the love he had felt as well as the terror of being responsible for such a fragile being. Therefore he could identify easily with the slightly haunted look in Rigsby's eyes.

What surprised him was that although the memories were painful, they still brought him some happiness and the sight of Lisbon, the tough cop personified, gently holding a baby and smiling at him, tugged at his heart the way he hadn't expected and hadn't felt since the death of his daughter.

When the baby started rooting and Lisbon handed him back to his mother, he quietly slipped back onto his couch with conflicting emotions doing battle in his head.

When he heard Lisbon to tell him to move over, he was so surprised that he sat up immediately to give her space and stared at her when she plopped herself down and carried on shuffling the papers like she wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary.

Her presence calmed him and he was grateful that he hadn't needed to vocalize anything, that she seemed to know what he needed. He leaned back against the back rest of the couch closing his eyes trying to slip back to dozing.

XXX

The day continued uneventful and without a new case, the team resigned to carry on with paperwork all day. Lisbon finally sent everybody home and the team gratefully fled the building.

Lisbon filed away her reports in her office and turned back to Jane on the couch, thinking about taking him out for a dinner as she didn't want to leave him alone, but the man was nowhere to be seen. She frowned. He had been quietly napping on the couch all day whenever he hadn't been making tea, and she had hoped that he would stay back when everyone else had left.

She left her jacket in her office and climbed the familiar stairs up to the attic to be faced again by the same door, but this time it wasn't fully closed.

She stepped in closing the door behind her and looked around her. The late afternoon light had cast a reddish golden hue on everything in the quiet room, including the form of Patrick Jane sitting on his bed, head bowed twisting his wedding ring around and around on his finger.

She walked to him and sat down next to him not saying anything. She watched his hands play with the ring and admired his long, strong fingers.

Without looking up he said, "If I take it off, what would it mean? Would it mean that I have forgotten them?" His tone was confused, guilty with a touch of hope.

Lisbon looked at his profile and responded, "No one can doubt your love for you family whether you wear the ring or not."

He twisted the golden band and said, "Sometimes I think what would have happened if I had accepted their death and moved on. Would I have married again? Would I have had children again? Would I have been happy and not responsible for so many deaths as I wouldn't have chased Red John?" His voice was raw in its honesty.

Lisbon had never heard him talking about his doubts and carefully mulled his questions over.

"I don't know what Red John would have done," she carefully said.

Jane's hands stilled and his shoulders hunched as he tightly closed his eyes and kept breathing deeply as in trying to contain the tears.

"But I believe that you would have found love again, would have married and would have had children," Lisbon continued softly.

"You are a loving husband and father, you would have enriched someone else's life without a doubt," she said, finally choking on her emotions.

She looked down on her own bare fingers, finally giving voice to her own regrets of being alone, without a partner, without children and it hurt. She could finally admit to herself that it really hurt.

She felt Jane sitting still next to her, most likely immersed in his memories of his family and to her shame she felt jealous of them. How they had had the love and devotion of this unique man and even after they had passed away, he was still devoted to them.

XXX

Jane was sitting on the bed and absentmindedly twisted his wedding ring. It was a reminder above anything else. Of course it was a symbol of his love for his wife and family, but now it was a token of his dedication, his rage and his blood thirst. He wondered if he would stay the same if he took it off.

He felt Lisbon sitting next to him and surprised himself by asking her what she thought would happen if he took it off. He asked her if she thought that he was capable of loving again and the emotion in her voice when she answered hit him directly in his heart.

He froze at her words and became aware of the regret and pain coming off of her that she had never shown before. He was humbled that she would trust him and open up to him as Teresa Lisbon wasn't known to trust easily.

He felt a sudden surge of anger at the unfairness of the universe. This caring, intelligent, amazing and selfless woman, who would have deserved all the happiness and love in the world, was alone, without a family that he knew she wanted even if she had never voiced it. She was here, trying to console him, a broken man, when she should have been at home, surrounded by a loving family. At least he had had a taste of that, but she had always been alone.

He took a breath, slowly removed the golden band from his finger and settled it on the table at the head of the bed. He reached for Lisbon's hands covering them with his as she held them in her lap.

She looked up to him, startled and he could see her emotions swirling in her eyes, finally getting an answer to a question he had been afraid to ask.

She looked down at his hands and drew a quick breath when she noticed the absent ring and quickly looked back up to him again with a question in her eyes.

They looked at each other in the stillness of the room and he slowly lowered his head towards her while maintaining eye contact. Her eyes widened in surprise, but he could see her acceptance and felt it when she rose to meet him half way and their lips met in a soft kiss.

He lifted his hand to cup her face and deepened the kiss to which she willingly responded as she wound her fingers through his hair.

There was no hesitation, no awkwardness as they tasted each other. They explored gently and softly, without hurrying, confident and trusting, as they finally yielded to each other.

They never noticed the glint of binoculars aimed at the attic window.

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** I'm sorry about the delayed updating. Had a domestic emergency in the form of a flooding kitchen that lasted over a weekend and the whole mess is still being sorted out. But as usual, I appreciate all the reviews and alerts; they definitely make my day!

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

Lisbon felt warm and comfortable and deliciously sore in places that haven't felt anything for a long time. She kept her eyes closed as the memories of last night came back and she reveled in the feeling of Jane, lying wrapped around her, his naked skin warm and surprisingly soft against hers under the blanket as his masculine scent infiltrated her nose.

The room was quiet and softly lit by the rising sun, but clearly it was still early in the morning and Lisbon wanted to prolong this moment of calmness and peace as long as she could and so stayed still, using her senses to feel the moment.

The man was definitely very good with his hands as was befitting an old stage hand and his tendency to focus completely on something did come handy, although his intensity had first made her feel very self-conscious. His complete and sincere admiration had quickly evaporated any feelings of awkwardness and she had responded with honesty and passion that she thought she didn't possess. However, Jane had awakened something in her that had lain dormant and he had done it gently, with great care with a swathe of emotions lurking behind his eyes that made Lisbon release the tight control she kept on her emotions and she had lowered willingly all her barriers.

Lisbon let a small, wicked smile touch her lips as she remembered how delighted Jane seemed to have been by her not holding anything back.

Soft lips touched her neck and Jane murmured against the skin, "What is so amusing, dear?"

Lisbon turned around in his embrace and gave him a slow and languid kiss, to which he responded readily. Silently Lisbon gave a sigh of relief as she had been somewhat worried how Jane would react in the morning, but his eyes didn't show any signs of regret or distress, instead his blue eyes were regarding her with a fondness and passion.

"Just thinking how I may use your newly found talents," she finally said smiling as they separated.

A brilliant smile appeared on Jane's face as he lifted a hand to caress her face and soon she had to close her eyes in the blissful sensation. When she opened them again after a moment, Jane was looking down at her with an open expression on his face, clearly enjoying her enjoyment. After a while, his eyes were clouded over and Lisbon's heart constricted painfully.

Lisbon gently grabbed his hand and stroked the knuckles.

"What is it?" she asked quietly, her fear seeping into her voice regardless of her efforts to contain it.

"Teresa, don't for a minute think that I regret last night," Jane said with a firm voice that told Lisbon not to argue.

"I haven't felt this alive for a long, long time and I'm still in awe about what happened," he continued as he carried on sliding his fingers on Lisbon's skin around her neck and shoulders and moving back to her face again.

He then looked away and Lisbon held her breath with an uneasy feeling.

"But I'm worried that I have just made a target of you for Red John and I couldn't bear it if something happened to you," Jane said quietly and the forlorn and scared look in his eyes made Lisbon's heart break again.

"Jane," she said sternly and cupped his face to make him look at her straight in the eye.

"What happens, will happen," she stated, "We keep this quiet and stay vigilant."

"Anyway, I'm armed and not an easy target," she continued with conviction and Jane seemed to perk up a little bit.

"I'm not willing to let Red John dictate whether you have some happiness in your life," she said and Jane relaxed visibly.

"I want you to be extra careful and treat anything out of the ordinary suspicious," he insisted.

"Well, if you are so worried, you better come home with me and sleep on the sofa," Lisbon teased him as she leaned closer to kiss him again.

"I might just do that," he managed to response before all thought escaped his mind.

XXX

Lisbon was hunting her clothes around the bed as Jane lied back on his side and observed her half naked form with adoration. She was a beautiful woman and he had aimed to show her just how much he appreciated her. He could only grin in amusement as she was hunting the missing clothing and at the irritable glances she was shooting at him.

He was pleasantly surprised how content and happy he felt. Of course he could still feel the sadness and the pain, but they were greatly reduced and the fondness and something deeper that he refused to acknowledge just yet, were taking their place as the dominant emotions.

He had been slightly worried how Lisbon would react, but to his relief she seemed to have been willing to jump in with both feet. They had both given up on their barriers and they were so much better for it.

He saw the gold glittering in the sun and looked at his wedding ring on the table. A frown appeared on his forehead when he pondered what he should do now as it wasn't right to keep wearing it, but he didn't want to abandon it either.

The bed dipped slightly as the now fully clothed Lisbon sat down. She reached to stroke his curls and he nearly purred in delight.

"You can wear it if you want," she said nodding towards the ring.

Jane shook his head.

"It's not right. They will always hold a very special and dear place in my heart, but so will you," Jane said before his brain caught up to his mouth, but Lisbon didn't seem to catch the slip.

"I will think of something," Jane said and reached out to put a hand behind Lisbon's neck to pull her down for a kiss. When they were both breathless and Lisbon was half way back to bed, she reluctantly pulled away.

"I need to get my shirt changed before the others come in," she said out of breath.

Jane grinned at her.

"Let them think what they want," he said mischief glinting in his eyes.

Lisbon gave him a stern look, which melted into a smile.

"Remember, no funny business at work," she reminded him, which made him to sober up.

"It will be fine," Lisbon whispered as she leaned down to kiss him for the final time, and then briskly walked out of the room.

"You are going to be late for work if you don't start moving," her voice came from the corridor as she made her way to the bull pen.

Jane smiled and decided to enjoy the feeling of content for a little bit longer.

XXX

When Jane finally descended the stairs, the bull pen was a hive of activity.

"We got a kidnapping case," Cho said as he stood up and walked towards Jane.

"Five year old granddaughter of Judge Henderson," he explained further as he grabbed hold of Jane's arm.

"We are going to interview him now," he continued as he walked Jane towards the lifts.

Jane was trying to catch Lisbon's eyes and when he did, she waved at him to follow Cho.

Then she gave him a quick smile and the look in her eyes made Jane's steps lighter.

"Somebody's got a spring in their steps today," commented Cho drily as the lift doors closed making Jane grin even more widely.

XXX

A lone figure was sitting in a café outside CBI building and observed the two men leaving in a black SUV as he sipped his latte and paused in reading the morning paper.

"Well, Mr. Jane. I can forgive you one transgression, but I'll have to keep a close eye on you to make sure you haven't forgotten your lesson," the figure quietly said to himself.

Nobody in the busy café heard him or paid him any attention as his eyes followed the SUV out of the parking lot.

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** I'm impressed that there are still people reading this and I'm delighted for all the reviews! I think there will be only one or two chapters left to this story and it will take a pretty dark turn from now on. Just warning you:)

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

Lisbon sat down tiredly on the sofa in the bullpen. It was late and the office was quiet and dark, the frantic activity of the past week having finally come to an end. It had taken a week of intense, around the clock working to find the missing granddaughter of one of the judges, but in the end they had found the little girl. She had been scared out of her mind, but alive, and had been happily reunited with her family.

Lisbon and Jane hadn't spent any time alone during the whole week as there had always been somebody around wanting something. Whenever they went out to the field however, Jane had hovered behind her shoulder. Always near, but never touching, always observing, but apparently happy that there hadn't been any suspicious people trailing them.

Of course the moment Cho noticed Jane's absent wedding band, he had pieced everything together but this being Cho, he had only nodded at Lisbon and said to Jane, "About time," which had left Rigsby baffled, however Van Pelt had understood.

Lisbon had blushed, but carried on like nothing had happened and even Jane had only smiled without teasing Lisbon, while Rigsby had been looking from one person to another in search for explanation. When none was coming, he buried his nose back in the paperwork he was filling in.

XXX 

Today Van Pelt had approached Lisbon shyly when she was writing her final report and had sat down in front of her desk. When Lisbon looked up questioningly, Van Pelt had passed over her phone and said, "I can send the picture to you if you want."

What she saw was so bittersweet that Lisbon had to hold back tears.

The photo had been taken on the day when Rigsby had brought his son over for the first time. Lisbon was holding the baby, looking down with a soft and adoring look while Jane stood behind her, his hand on her shoulder peering down at the baby with a look on his face that was a mixture of joy and pain.

It was perfect snap shot and if one didn't know better it would have been easy to take them for a family.

Lisbon had wordlessly nodded and Van Pelt had seemed to understand the emotional impact as she stood up smiling sadly and walked out.

Jane had walked in a moment later as she had been staring at the photo and seeing her expression walked over to see what she was holding in her lap behind her desk that so captivated her mind. Lisbon wasn't sure whether it was such a good idea to show it to him, but she couldn't hide anything from him. Not anymore. So she angled the phone to let Jane have a better view.

Jane had rested his hand on the back of her chair as he looked at the photo with a closed expression on his face. Lisbon looked at him anxiously, but Jane didn't seem to be too upset. Before leaving the room though, he lifted his hand and softly caressed Lisbon's neck as nobody would see the gesture from outside the office and had said, "It's a beautiful photo," before walking out of the room.

Lisbon hadn't seen him since as she had been cornered by people shoving papers at her to sign.

Hence she was sitting here, on his sofa, inhaling his scent as her weariness was dragging her down. At least his scent made her feel better, although it did make it less likely that she would actually get home to sleep in her own bed.

She became aware of soft steps and realized that she had closed her eyes and had dozed off to sleep.

Jane sat down next to her, his hand on the back of the sofa as Lisbon looked up with bleary eyes.

"I know a more comfortable place to sleep," he whispered as his hand came to rest on her shoulder, gently pulling her to him before softly stroking her hair.

"Hmm, can I just sleep here?" Lisbon mumbled as she rested her head against Jane's chest enjoying his touch.

It briefly crossed her mind how incredible it was that they were so comfortable with each other, but then they had known each other for many years. The thoughts slipped away as she relaxed and her eyes became heavy again.

"Come on, woman," Jane said standing up and startling Lisbon awake.

He was holding on to her hands and insistently tugged her onto her feet and carefully maneuvered her to the attic. She was meekly following in her half asleep state, but she trusted Jane to look after her.

Once they got to the attic, Jane closed the door and switched off the lights, leaving the moonlight the only illumination. Lisbon kept her eyes closed as she was swaying on her feet when she felt Jane's touch on her face. She opened her eyes to find him standing very close, cupping her face with both of his hands and looking down with an expression that was full of hunger, passion and pure adoration.

He closed the distance and as his lips touched Lisbon's, her eyes closed again at the feeling. They kissed slowly, taking their time, enjoying the feeling after a week apart.

Jane withdrew and started undressing Lisbon carefully, but clearly with intention of only putting her to bed. He helped her under the covers and as Lisbon snuggled closer to the pillow, she didn't let go of his hand, but mumbled, "Join me."

Jane grinned to himself and bent down to kiss her head, "I will need to undress first, dear," and Lisbon let his hand go. He quickly undressed and slipped behind Lisbon spooning her and she very quickly fell asleep.

XXX

The morning sun once again woke Lisbon, but she felt so content and comfortable that she didn't mind. It was weekend, Jane was here with her and they didn't have a case and she hadn't slept this well for a week, which all made her a very happy woman.

She turned around to find Jane's blue eyes watching her, amusement crinkling his eyes.

"Morning," he said as he kissed her.

"Morning," Lisbon answered after she managed to catch her breath.

"We really should go to my place," Lisbon said absent mindedly as Jane concentrated on tracing the freckles on her nose.

"I could make us pancakes," she offered.

"Or we could spend the morning here building up an appetite," Jane suggested with a glint in his eyes causing Lisbon to blush despite of herself.

She mockingly slapped his chest, but said grinning, "After the breakfast."

Jane's smile widened as he responded, "Deal."

XXX

They arrived at Lisbon's place quickly as it was early Saturday morning and the traffic was light. Jane had kept an eye on any suspicious activity as he was still worried about Red John, but he didn't see anything standing out.

Lisbon opened the door for him and once inside, he enveloped her in a hug and just inhaled her scent. She happily responded, wrapping her arms around his middle and resting her head against his shoulder. They stayed still for a moment, before Lisbon started wriggling and complaining that she was hungry. Jane just smiled at her and let her go to the kitchen while he was content on drinking in the domesticity.

While Lisbon was making breakfast, he did his best to interrupt her trying to lure her into her bedroom. But nothing came between Lisbon and her coffee and pancakes. It was only after she had hungrily wolfed down all the food that she led him to her bedroom for some more appetite building.

XXX

The following weeks fell into an easy pattern.

Jane stayed at Lisbon's place and they drove to work separately in their own cars arriving at the same time, but nobody seemed to pay any attention to them. And Jane saw no signs of Red John.

They bickered at work as usual, solved cases with the team, had pizza after successful cases and went home together in the evening.

They enjoyed each other freely and became even closer in the process and eventually Jane relaxed and felt content about the new situation. He still always kept his wedding band close by, but Lisbon didn't mind.

One morning Lisbon woke up to a bad headache and feeling sick. She just managed to get to the toilet before emptying her stomach and Jane was quickly at her side holding her hair back and rubbing her back.

"Are you okay?" he worried.

"I'm fine. Probably some stomach bug," Lisbon responded as she rinsed her mouth with the water Jane had given. She stood up with shaking legs and leaned against his solid chest. Jane wrapped his arms around her, still in awe that he could freely do so.

Lisbon quickly recovered and they got ready for work. All day Jane kept a close eye on her and although she looked a bit under the weather and she clearly had a headache, she seemed to be okay.

For the next two weeks Lisbon would feel really bad on some mornings and fine on others. Sometimes she would be sick in the evenings and only bread and pasta seemed to settle her stomach. Jane had asked her to go to the doctor, but Lisbon had stubbornly refused claiming that she was fine, that it was only a stomach upset.

Then they got busy at work and there was no time to eat properly and they were once again working around the clock. Jane became increasingly worried as Lisbon started looking more and more unwell, with black circles around her eyes and she started losing weight. Jane also knew that she had lost her appetite and that she was exhausted most of the time. He was getting worried, but Lisbon was stubbornly refusing to admit that anything was wrong.

XXX

They had arrived at the crime scene in the evening, soon after the call had come in. They had a burned body in the garage of a minor celebrity and his manager was trying to keep everything very quiet and wanted the case solved as soon as possible.

Cho was already there and was standing next to the open garage door.

"It's pretty gruesome," he said as he waved them in.

Lisbon stepped closer to the mangled mess on the floor and the smell of burned flesh and hair hit her like a wall. She couldn't stop the gagging that immediately followed and had to run outside to be sick in the rose bushes that lined the driveway up to the garage.

Cho looked at Jane in alarm, who went after her finding her leaning her hands against her knees, hair falling down preventing him seeing her face.

As he crouched down and brushed her hair back, he was alarmed by how sick she looked. Lisbon looked at him with tired and listless eyes that suddenly rolled in her head and she promptly fainted.

Jane caught her in a panic and cradled her unconscious form as he screamed on top of his voice, "Cho, help me!"

XXX

A spectator behind police line quietly observed the scene in front of him and heard Jane's panicked voice although he couldn't see them.

"Well, Mr. Jane. Seems like you have forgotten you lesson after all," he murmured quietly before turning and slipping away.

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Thanks again for all the feedback and I was especially flattered that someone would think that I could write for the show! I wish:) There is one more chapter after this and I will warn you already: read the author's notes before reading the final chapter. You should be safe with this one though. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

The paramedics arrived quickly and briskly got on with their job; putting in an IV line, administering oxygen and checking vitals while asking Jane about Lisbon's medical history. Jane filled them in with what he knew, which was basically nothing as Lisbon was a healthy woman and as far as he knew there was nothing wrong with her, except for her recent symptoms, which he quickly described.

As they were loading her unconscious form into the ambulance, Jane stopped one of the paramedics and said, "Check for poisons, please."

The paramedic raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to respond when Cho stepped in and said, "She is in law enforcement and we have a reason to believe that someone might want to harm her," which seemed to pacify the paramedic who closed his mouth and nodded.

Jane looked at Cho with appreciation as the agent had guessed what he had been worried about. He climbed into the ambulance and took Lisbon's hand and held it tightly as the paramedic made final adjustments for the departure.

Cho was looking at them from outside. He said, "I will follow you. Rigsby and Van Pelt can secure the scene." He didn't want Jane to be alone as the consultant looked uncharacteristically scared and rattled.

Jane threw him a wan smile before the ambulance doors were closed and they sped off. Cho made the necessary phone calls as he walked to his car and having arranged matters, he was soon speeding after the ambulance.

XXX

In the emergency room Lisbon was briskly transferred onto a bed and a number of doctors and nurses descended on her. Jane was trying to hold onto her hand, however, he was kindly but firmly removed by a nurse. He was left standing in the corner of the room as various tests were performed and IV fluids adjusted while Lisbon stayed deathly pale and unconscious.

As Jane was chewing his lower lip in worry and trying to push his panic away, one of the doctors turned around and asked him, "You wanted tests for poison?"

Jane nodded, "Yes, we have a reason to believe someone wanted to hurt her."

The doctor turned back to Lisbon and withdrew more blood and the nurse bustled out of the room to take the samples away.

By this time Cho had arrived and he stepped to the room showing his badge to the nurse who had started protesting. He came to stand next to Jane and asked, "How is she?"

Jane kept staring at Lisbon's still form as he responded, "They are still working on her."

The doctor that had previously spoken to Jane came back with a clipboard full of papers and he frowned when he saw the two of them. Jane immediately stated firmly that he wasn't leaving and to his surprise the doctor responded by asking, "Are you Patrick Jane?"

Jane answered affirmatively and was shocked when the doctor said that as he was Lisbon's next of kin he could stay, but Cho needed to wait outside.

Cho looked silently at the doctor before turning to Jane who looked rattled.

"You were always her next of kin, Jane," he said, "When you know what's going on come and get me," he told Jane and left the room.

The doctor shoved the clipboard at Jane and asked him to fill in the details. He took the pen and started scribbling but every so often he would look up at Lisbon and his face would crumble a little bit, but he managed to get to the end of the paperwork without falling apart completely.

The nurses threw sympathetic glances at him and after finally finished with their prodding and poking, they found a chair for him to sit. He approached Lisbon's still form leaning down to kiss her forehead, "Please wake up sleepy head," he whispered the angst audible in his voice.

He sat down and took her hand again, stroking it softly while keeping his eyes on her face. The room had settled into quietness with the muted beeping of machines, but Lisbon was the only thing Jane was aware of.

Her face was very pale, her freckles prominent on her nose. The black circles around her eyes stood out starkly and her cheekbones seemed more defined in her gaunt face.

Jane was berating himself. How could he have not seen that she had been so ill? Why hadn't he dragged her to the doctors, forced her to sleep and eat?

He was fervently wishing that this was something physical and not Red John as he wasn't sure how he would handle it otherwise. They had been careful and discreet, but it had been folly to believe that it would stop Red John. He should have known better than to fall in love again and put Lisbon in danger, whatever she said. Tears were prickling his eyes as he was considering his options. Even if this was just a stomach bug, it had shown how much it would affect him if something happened to Lisbon. He couldn't survive it.

Maybe he should leave her, to make sure that she wasn't Red John's target. But even thinking about it felt wrong, he was so selfish but he couldn't leave her. Most likely Lisbon would just come after him anyway and he smiled a little to himself as an image of furious Lisbon stalking him rose in his mind. But then the reality hit him again as he looked at her on the bed and he tried to swallow the fear that was fast rising up in his throat.

And then he felt a light squeeze. He jumped up and leaned over to look at her closely and was greeted by a pair of exhausted green eyes.

"Your thinking is so loud that it's making my head hurt," Lisbon whispered as she peered at him.

Jane broke out in a big smile and bent down to kiss her gently.

"You scared me woman," he chided her softly.

"Sorry," Lisbon mumbled before closing her eyes, "I'm so tired," she added faintly.

Jane squeezed her hand and said, "I will watch over you. Sleep."

Lisbon drifted off again and Jane felt lighter after having seen her awake, even for a very short time.

XXX

Jane was walking restlessly in the waiting room while Cho sat in the corner, reading. Rigsby and Van Pelt had been over briefly, but they were needed to carry on with the investigation. A nurse had come to take Lisbon for a MRI and Jane couldn't go with her, which made him worried and panicky as he didn't want to let Lisbon out of his sight in her present condition.

"Calm down," Cho said as he kept reading.

"It's just a MRI."

"But what if Red John is just waiting for a moment to get her alone and in her present state she would be helpless," Jane blurted.

Cho paused in his reading and looked up at the disheveled man.

"Jane, we don't know this is Red John's doing," he reminded him.

Before Jane could start arguing with him a doctor walked in and approached them.

Cho stood up and came to stand next to Jane as they faced the doctor, who looked at them uncertainly. Jane felt the dread trying to claw its way free again.

"I think I should only speak with you Mr. Jane," he started to which Jane impatiently waved his hand in a sign to just get on with it.

"Very well," the doctor conceded.

"Agent Lisbon is suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum," he began.

"It is fairly unusual to have it quite this severely, but I suppose the demands of her job have made it even worse," he continued.

Cho looked nonplussed as he didn't know what the doctor was talking about and was just about to ask when dazed Jane stumbled and Cho quickly reached out to steady him.

"But isn't that only during pregnancy…" Jane whispered and Cho suddenly understood the mans shock.

"Yes, Agent Lisbon is 7 weeks pregnant," the doctor agreed, "I take it you didn't know that she was pregnant?" he continued frowning.

"No, we didn't. It didn't even cross our minds," Jane said in shock, his voice tapering away.

"The good news is that it is treatable and it will get better by the second trimester. Also we ran a tox screen as you requested and it came back negative. Her electrolytes are abnormal, but they can be corrected by IV and we have adjusted our treatment as well as giving her antiemetics," the doctor laid out the plan.

"You can go and see her in a moment, once the nurse has settled her in", he finished and left the room.

Cho was silently laughing at the stunned and wordless Jane who looked like he might faint.

"She's pregnant," Jane whispered to himself and then seemed to come to his senses and quickly walked into the direction of Lisbon's room.

Cho again settled down on the chair and smiled to himself. How could two intelligent people could be so dense sometimes.

XXX

Lisbon kept her eyes tightly closed and was concentrating on her breathing. She had to think only about breathing in and out. In and out. Otherwise she would freak out and the thought itself made the panic bubble up until she squashed it back down.

Pregnant. A word that she would have never associated with herself, even less with her and Patrick Jane. That thought made her hyperventilate again as she realized the doctor's must have told him by now. As she was trying to get her breathing under control, she heard the door open and somebody walking in. She didn't need to open her eyes to know that it was Jane as she could smell his familiar and comforting smell.

That itself made her tear up and she concentrated even harder on her breathing.

When Jane kissed her on the forehead, ever so gently, she lost it. She opened her eyes with tears pooling, ready to fall and stared at the blue eyes that seemed so full of love that it made her heart ache.

"Pregnant," she whispered as the tears fell. Jane quickly sat down on the edge of the bed and gathered her in his arms as she clung to him, holding tightly.

Eventually Lisbon managed to get her frayed nerves under control and she look up at Jane, worried about what she might find in his eyes. She had never asked him about having children as she had already considered it a miracle that he had accepted his feelings towards her. And seeing how he had reacted to Rigsby's son made her think that he would never want to go through the heartache again.

She saw hesitation and fear but also love and wonder, making her relax slightly. She should have known that Jane would take the news better than she was. She wasn't ready to be a mother, she had her career to think about and what kind of parents they would be when one was hell bent in trying to find and kill a serial killer and the other one was as determined to stop that happening. She tensed again and the fear took over.

Jane saw the hesitation and the fear and moved his hand to stroke her face. He kissed her again and as he withdrew, Lisbon asked with a very uncharacteristic, vulnerable voice, "What do you think?"

"I'm afraid, in awe, happy, stunned…" Jane answered as he rested his forehead against hers.

Lisbon look at him and the joy in his eyes made her think about that day weeks ago when she had promised herself that she would do anything to make Patrick Jane feel better. And if she was truthful, there was giddiness buried underneath that first shock.

She smiled hesitantly at him and he seemed to relax as if he had been afraid of what her reaction might be.

Lisbon was getting tired and settled back down on the bed, patting the space next to her, which was all the invitation Jane needed to lie down and spoon her. When he settled his hand gently on her stomach, she finally accepted that maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all.

XXX

The following morning Cho found a letter on his desk. It was addressed to Jane, which made it odd as it must have been hand delivered as there was no address or stamp, and everybody knew this was his desk.

He sat down, staring at the envelope with the bold black letters and finally gingerly pushed it with his pen. Nothing untoward happened.

He withdrew gloves from his drawer and snapped them on before grabbing the envelope and opening it, revealing a single sheet of paper.

He quickly read it through and immediately got up and walked to Wainwright's office closing the door behind him.

Wainwright looked up in surprise and when Cho gave him the letter to read, he became increasingly alarmed.

_Dear Patrick,_

_It seems that you have forgotten the lesson I taught you those years ago. _

_Thinking that you have found happiness with a woman and by bringing another child into this world makes you even more arrogant than I thought. You do remember where your arrogance led last time, don't you Patrick?_

_As long as our game is unfinished, nothing is allowed to distract you from playing your part. _

_Until next time._

_Red John _

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** Thank you for all the reviews and alerts! I'm glad you have followed the story through. As I said before, this is the final chapter and it is dark. If you can't face any character deaths, please turn away now.

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><p><strong>Chapter 9<strong>

Jane never left Lisbon's side and managed to charm all the nurses so that they left them alone. They even let him to stay in her bed. He shamelessly played the card of a worried father to be and for once Lisbon went along with it. It was only for a night anyway as she had managed to talk her way out of staying for longer. Jane had argued with her, but now that she knew that she was pregnant, she had promised Jane that she would look after herself better and could now take medications to make sure that she could keep her food down.

The doctor had followed their argument with a clear amusement, but as Lisbon seemed to be responding already to the treatment, he had agreed that she could be discharged the following morning if she could keep her breakfast down.

That had left Jane spooning Lisbon as she restlessly dozed with IV fluids and antiemetics steadily being infused overnight. Jane was tired and the adrenaline of Lisbon's collapse and the shock of finding her pregnant with his child had finally started to wear off, but tiredness wasn't a stranger to him and he welcomed it warmly.

His thoughts were still looping around with the main theme being Lisbon and a baby. He was experiencing so many conflicting emotions that he didn't know where to start, the dominant one being one of happiness. He basked in its warm glow and decided that he would worry about everything else later.

He was still wary to show overly positive emotions as he knew so many things could go wrong, but at the same time he felt like bursting from the seams. He was aware that Lisbon had been greatly shocked by the pregnancy, but to his amazement she had quickly accepted it after seemingly having come to some conclusion, although she refused to tell him what she had been thinking.

When he looked at her on the bed in the soft light, he felt only tenderness and love towards the petite woman, so much so that he was scared of the depth of his emotions. He had never sought them out, but somehow Lisbon had managed to slowly cultivate them and made them blossom with deep roots.

Lisbon shifted in her dreams and Jane started stroking her arm up and down, slowly and gently in an effort to lure her back to sleep, as he had already done many times. The woman was such a restless sleeper.

"Shh, Teresa. Go back to sleep," Jane whispered to her ear and place a soft kiss to her temple from behind.

Lisbon stilled, but didn't relax back to sleep.

"Jane?" she softly started.

"Yes?" Jane answered as he continued stroking her arm.

"Are you sure you are okay with the baby?" Lisbon hesitantly asked her voice heavy with sleep.

Jane couldn't believe the woman in his arms. She was the one who was going to carry the child, give birth to it and it would affect her career the most. She who had never planned to have a baby was worried about him.

"Yes, Teresa," he simply answered softly, the emotions clear in his voice.

"Hmm, okay then," Lisbon mumbled as she slipped closer to sleep and relaxed in Jane's embrace.

When he thought that she had fallen back to sleep, she half turned, clearly mindful of her IV lines and gave him a sloppy kiss.

"Love you," she whispered and turned back and promptly fell asleep leaving an astonished Jane with his mouth hanging open.

He closed his mouth, tightened his grip on Lisbon and snuggled closer to her neck. They both knew that they cared about each other deeply, but they had never vocalized it. And he had never expected Lisbon to just say it as she was so private about her feelings.

"I love you, sweetheart," he answered softly to her sleeping form and felt the final barriers coming down. He had finally accepted Lisbon fully into his heart as he hadn't done since his wife and which he had doubted that he could ever do again.

As Lisbon slept, Jane kept watch and slowly the night turned into the morning.

XXX

Lisbon woke up to find Jane snuggled close and a nurse carefully fiddling with her IV lines as she tried not to wake her.

"Good morning, Agent Lisbon," she whispered in an effort not to wake up Jane.

"This is last of your medication and if you can keep your breakfast down, you can go home," she continued and plunged in the medication to the line.

Lisbon nodded and settled back against Jane and decided to take a last nap before breakfast arrived. She was fast becoming comfortably warm and heavy and enjoyed the feeling and the scent of Jane surrounding her as she slipped away again.

XXX

At CBI Wainwright was on the phone frantically arranging a security detail for Lisbon, while Cho was trying to call Jane. Nobody was picking up and Cho suspected that he must have switched it for silent to allow Lisbon to rest.

He started swearing and Wainwright looked up at him with a surprise as he had never seen the agent lose his temper.

"I'm not getting through", Cho said frustrated.

"I'm driving to the hospital," he announced and walk quickly out of the door after Wainwright had nodded his approval.

On his way through the bullpen, he grabbed Rigsby and Van Pelt and explained the letter he had found as they drove away. A palpable atmosphere of worry and dread filled the car as they silently broke all speed limits in their hurry to get to the hospital.

XXX

When they arrived, they left the car outside and barged in. This hospital was a new building with a large atrium, which was airy and open all the way up to the top floor. It had a reception desk in one end and they passed a circular fountain with koi on their way to demand the location of Lisbon.

Once they had shown their badges and quickly explained the situation, the receptionist promised to call the security right away. The team took off to the lifts shouldering other people out of the way, as at this time of the morning the atrium seemed to be full of staff coming off duty.

They ran to the ward where Lisbon was and finally came to a stop outside her room. Everything seemed calm and undisturbed and the dayshift nurses were clearly startled by their hurried appearance.

When Cho was demanding if anybody had gone into Lisbon's room, the nurses shook their heads with wide, alarmed eyes. Only the night nurse had recently been in, who had given the morning dose of Lisbon's medication as the day staff were still handing over.

A call bell started ringing and the sudden rising keening coming from Lisbon's room made everybody's head turn that way and the nurses ran in, but as Cho was the closest, he simply stepped in and came to a stop at the sight in front of him.

XXX

Jane had dozed off and he was vaguely aware of the nurse's presence as she gave Lisbon her medication. He felt Lisbon relaxing and enjoyed the feeling of peace, but then something started tugging at his consciousness.

After a few seconds it dawned on him that Lisbon was too still, she wasn't breathing.

Jane sat up, his heart in his throat and looked down at Lisbon, who was resting her eyes closed and with a peaceful expression on her face, but with her lips turning blue and no breath escaped her lips.

He pressed the call bell in a panic and held on to Lisbon trying to gently shake her to wake her up. He was immersed in dread and panic and the thought of losing Lisbon, here and now, after everything they had just gone through was just too much. He was vaguely aware of the terrible keening noise, but he didn't realize that he was its source.

The nurses flooded in. Somebody took hold of him and removed him out of the way as the doctors were running in. Jane wasn't really aware of Cho next to him as his eyes were glued on the lifeless form of Lisbon.

The medical team worked for many minutes, frantically trying to bring their patient back. When one of the doctors finally declared, "Time of death 08.10,", Jane broke down, slumping on the floor with dazed, wide eyes and tears streaming down his eyes and Cho really had to struggle to maintain his own composure. He could hear the gasp from Rigsby and the sobs from Van Pelt out in the corridor, but his own eyes were drawn towards the white sheet that the nurses were carefully pulling over Lisbon's still form. Cho grabbed Jane's shoulder for support as much as to support the devastated man.

The doctor came to Cho and offered his condolences. Seeing how badly Jane was affected he tried to talk to him, but Jane was nearly catatonic at this stage. The doctor quickly requested sedatives and the nurse went to get them.

"I have never seen an anaphylactic shock behaving this way, but I don't know what else it could have been," the doctor explained wearily to Cho.

"Poison?" Cho queried trying to keep his mind off of the fact that his boss and his friend had just died and tried to concentrate on the less personal side of the situation.

"It's possible, although I don't know how anyone would have managed to get by the nurses," the doctor conceded.

The nurse appeared with the sedative and they tried to move Jane out to another room. Despite his state, he refused to go and started fighting them off.

"Maybe it's better to leave him here for the time being," Cho suggested as the sight of broken Jane fighting the nurse stabbed him in the chest.

"He's calm when he is near her and this way we can protect him as we suspect that the same person is after him," Cho explained and the doctor readily agreed. The nurse went to get pillows and blankets for Jane to lie down on the floor, but he shakily stood up with Cho's help and walked unsteadily towards Lisbon's bed.

While the doctor and Cho watched, he removed the sheet covering Lisbon and with difficulty climbed on the bed and draped his arms around Lisbon. The doctor sighed sadly as he stepped closer and without resistance Jane let him give him the sedative.

Cho and the doctor stepped out of the room, Cho's eyes burning with unshed tears as he closed the door. Gruffly he said to Rigsby who had a wild look in his eyes, "Make sure nobody goes into the room," and Rigsby settled outside to stand guard.

Cho called Wainwright, who swore loudly, obviously being upset and Cho could hear him shouting orders to somebody else in the room. There was nothing else to say so he snapped his phone shut.

The shock and weariness were trying to overwhelm him and he needed to keep moving to stop it. He talked with the nursing and medical staff, they went through the medical records and Van Pelt was looking at surveillance videos while silently sobbing.

They knew they had to make an effort now as they still had a good chance to catch whoever had done this, although Cho was sure that it was Red John and doubted that they would find him. But at least they could try to keep Jane away from his claws.

Suddenly he realized that Rigsby wasn't standing outside the hospital room anymore. He went closer to find him and saw him just opposite the door reaching down for a cup of water at the nurse's station. Cho was just about to turn away, satisfied that Rigsby hadn't abandoned his post when the slight movement of the room door caught his eye.

He silently rushed towards the room and peeked inside as he hushed Rigsby who had now realized that something was going on. Only Lisbon's body was resting on the bed, the white sheet drawn over her head again. There was no sign of Jane.

"Damn it! Where did he go?" Cho shouted in desperation as in his fragile state Jane was vulnerable, especially to Red John, if he was behind the whole fiasco.

One of nurses ran over to them.

"I tried to stop him, but he just brushed past me," she said breathlessly and pointed towards the entrance to the ward. Cho and Rigsby started running.

XXX

The pain blazed white hot in his head. He didn't hear anything or feel anything else, just this fiery burning, which swallowed him whole.

He could see the still form of the woman he loved and had to struggle to get to her. He didn't understand why he needed to struggle as she was so close, but finally it was easy for him to move and he embraced her once again.

He was aware that somewhere far away, somebody was talking to him but he paid them no heed. Even the heavy feeling that followed didn't reach his brain. He could only feel the pain and the loss as he inhaled the scent of Lisbon and he wept.

Slowly, silently and softly his mind broke down and he embraced the burning, knowing that the only way of extinguishing the fire was to let it burn until everything turned into ashes and scatter the ashes wide.

He got out of the bed, kissed Lisbon gently and covered her with the white sheet. He quietly slipped out of the room and walked out the fire raging in his mind, burning all the thoughts and feelings.

XXX

Cho and Rigsby ran along the corridor toward the railing that opened out to the central atrium, but they couldn't see Jane.

They heard a splash, a silence and the screaming started.

They ran to the railing and peered down and could only stare in horror; Rigsby hitting the railing in grief and anger before turning away, Cho leaning against the rail his head bowed in defeat.

Four floors below them the koi fountain was slowly stained crimson as Jane's body gently bobbed on the artificial waves.

XXX

On the floor above them a still figure watched the situation unfold.

"As it began, so it ended," the figure whispered to himself and slipped away with the crowd.

**The End**


End file.
